Photo by Steve Halama on Unsplash

WHO’S TO BLAME?

Radical self-responsibility is a catchy new phrase. To me it means being completely aware that I can blame no one for anything that happens in my life, no one. It’s all on me.

When I first heard about radical self-responsibility I thought it was cute. I thought maybe I’ll do a little dabbling with it, try it out. So dabble I did.

Weirdly, or maybe not, the more I dabbled the more frustrated I became while was also becoming hooked on the idea.

There is such a dark/light side to practicing radical self-responsibility.

The dark side is I can’t blame my husband’s behavior for my shitty mood, something I am fond of doing although he doesn’t like it much. I can’t blame anyone for any mood I’m in, good or bad.

The light side is that I am the one who decides what mood I’m in and how my day is going to go. No one else. Just me.

CASE IN POINT:

My husband and I went for a mountain bike ride. Before we left I had a very specific plan in mind for the route we would take because I like having a plan. However, when we got to a crossroads in the trail he suggested we try this other route, one I had never done. One that was not part of my plan.

I am not a fan of having changes sprung on me but I went with it, fuming quietly from the get go even though I made the choice to go along with the change.

Surprise, surprise the ride became one of me constantly having to clip out and save myself from nasty falls on a trail that was actually ridiculously easy all because I was a tad bit upset.

I was upset but not for the reason you may be thinking. At this point I wasn’t upset with my husband, I was upset with the fact that since I had chosen a life of radical self-responsibility I couldn’t be upset with him or blame him for my shaky performance.

It was all on me… damnit.

I really wanted my current mood to be his fault but it wasn’t. It was all mine to claim and cherish or curse, and I did a lot of that.

By the end of the ride I was actually laughing at myself for making an event that could have been a carefree pedal through the woods into a major hissy fit.

Photo by Arnaud Mesureur on Unsplash

DIRECTOR OF EVERYTHING

Living a life of radical self-responsibility means I am the director of everything that goes on in my life. If I choose not to market my coaching business then I will probably never have any coaching clients. All because of my decision to not work on my marketing.

There is an elegant freedom in living like this. It takes everyone else out of the equation distilling it down to just me. I like that.

As I get deeper into this commitment I find it is actually kind of fun to figure out why I’m in a particular mood.Then I can decide if I want to stay in that mood. If not I get to change my thinking to change my mood.

You should try it, living a life of radical self-responsibility.

It is not easy.

You will not be good at it right away but with practice you will get better and better.

To explore more of what radical self-responsibility means click the button below and schedule a free 30 minute consultation!

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Racism.

It’s been on my mind.

The events in Charlottesville stunned me. I never thought I would see white people marching in the streets with torches spewing hate. I thought that was a thing of the past. Apparently it isn’t.

How does someone believe that  marching wielding shields and bats while chanting slogans of hate against specific groups of peoples is reasonable, warranted behavior?

I have been thinking about how I would coach one of those marchers should they ever wake up and try to understand why they are behaving so badly.

But first:

I coach using a model perfected by one of my mentors, Brook Costillo. It works like this.

Circumstances

can trigger

Thoughts

cause

 Feelings

cause

Action

which produces a

Result.

Circumstances are facts like carrots are orange.

Thoughts are where we get choose what to think about the circumstance.

Feelings are created by the thought we have about the circumstance

Actions are steps we take driven by the feelings we are having.

Results are the outcome of the actions we take.

In this model the thoughts we choose are the driver for our feelings, actions and results. We get to decide what to think and that thought will cause certain feelings, actions and results.

Putting the model to work

In an effort to help me understand how someone justifies spewing hate of any kind I thought I would try to do the model on possible thoughts a racist might have on circumstances in their life.

SCENARIO 1:

Circumstance: White man can’t get a job.

Thought: The Mexicans are taking the jobs I should be getting.

Feeling: Anger

Action: Find people who are angry and blaming Mexicans for their lack of a job to hang out with, commiserate with and plan marches to vent your frustration with.

Result: March with a group of white supremacists showing the world what you think of Mexicans.

In this model this white man had a choice in his thoughts, he chose to think that it was the fault of the Mexicans for his lack of a job and was able to defend his racist march with this thought.

Let’s do the model with a different thought.

SCENARIO 2:

Circumstance: White man can’t get a job.

Thought: I need to work on being more hirable through education or volunteer work or something.

Feeling: Creative, empowered.

Action: Volunteer at the local shelter.

Result: Discover a previously unknown passion for helping people

Same circumstance with two different thoughts and two different results.

In one model he chose the thought that blamed the Mexicans for his joblessness and that allowed him to justify marching with a bunch of white supremacists. His life is probably still stuck in neutral without a job.

In the second he chose the thought  of self-responsibility that would actually help move him in a positive direction for getting a job and discovering his passion. He has a chance to make his life better.

I get that this is all hypothetical, but it helps me to try to understand how some people can behave in such a hateful manner.

I know no one is born a racist, they are taught. That is why it is so important that you pay attention to your thoughts. Some of them, especially the unconscious ones, were planted in childhood and you have never questioned their validity in the present.

When you are blaming someone else for how you are feeling take a moment to stop and figure out what your thoughts actually are. It is amazing what you will discover.

If you would like help with your thoughts click the button to schedule a free 30 minute coaching consultation to see what we can find.

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I spent years going through my life on the default setting. It was really easy to do.

Everything happened to me, I was a victim of life. I was blameless.

Somehow I woke up enough to start on a journey. A journey to reset the default setting.

It’s been hard and easy and awful and beautiful and the further I go on it the more I realize it will never be over.

The default setting is an organic thing that changes all the time or it should change all the time.

Just when I think I have it all figured out, I realize I don’t. That kind of sucks sometimes.

I could just quit. I could just be happy with were I am but since I started this journey that is no longer an option….

“You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

Once you take the red pill you are all in.

I am not a victim unless I choose to be.

I am a full participant in my life, I take full responsibility for everything that occurs.

This means as much as I want to blame someone else for the things that happen, I can’t. That really pisses me off at times but there is a beautiful freedom in knowing you can’t.

This is not an easy way to live but the warrior in me would have it no other way.

If you would like to live a life of radical self-responsibility but don’t know where to begin click the button below and schedule a free 30 minute consultation to see if I can help.

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10 years ago I was unhappy, stuck in a deep rut and desperate for answers to the age old question, “Why the fuck am I here.” In my search for answers I met a man who channels the Light Council and signed up for a session.

I was really hoping they (the Light Council) would tell me that I was the chosen one, the one who was going to save humanity from itself, the one they had been waiting for. It would then follow that I would go into training to be a spiritual warrior badass. I would seek out evil, right wrongs and be amazing. I would find my latent ability to teleport, time travel and communicate with only my thoughts. And then I would know exactly why  I was here.

Back to reality. The session was over the phone. It started with him getting some information from me and then saying he was going to connect with the council and call me back with their message for me.

I waited on pins and needles, sure that my life was going to change epically as soon as he called back.

He called back. I answered.

He said they had told him that I needed to learn how to let people love me and to love them in return.

That was it. Love was the answer.

To say I was disappointed may be understating it a bit. I was epically pissed off with that lame-ass answer.

How could that be the answer?

Over the next few days I kept going back to this answer mostly to keep the indignation I felt about it alive…. and perhaps to avoid really looking at the true meaning of the message.

On the fourth day I was out for my morning hike and was again thinking about the answer. Having tired of the indignation and in a rare moment of clarity I finally saw what they were trying to tell me.

When I was a child my mother was always say things like, “Oh, don’t go over to your friend’s house, they don’t want you bothering them” or “they don’t want you there, leave them alone”.

I’m not sure how she meant it but on a very deep level I took it to mean they didn’t want my love or my attention.

Hence, I didn’t allow myself to love other people not because I thought they were unworthy of my love but because I thought they wouldn’t want my love.

This realization literally stopped me in my tracks.

That was one messed up thought, and it actually made me laugh.

I laughed because this unconscious thought had been running my life for decades.

I laughed because my quest to figure out why I never felt the emotion of love had been hampered by this little thought.

I laughed because sometimes the human experience is laughable.

I laughed because now that I knew about this sneaky little thought, changing it seemed so easy.

My spiritual journey to find out why I am here really began with the discovery of this thought. I showed me how unconscious thoughts were running my life and causing me to behave in less than productive ways.

My journey will never be over but it becomes more defined with every thought I discover and change.

In a way I am now that spiritual warrior badass finding unhelpful thoughts and conquering them!

If you want some help finding those thoughts click the button below and let’s talk.

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The four stages of competence are psychological states we all go through when learning a new skill.

I’ll break it down for you using the example of learning how to brush my teeth.

Stage 1: Unconscious Incompetence

I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

When I was probably around three years old it was time to learn how to brush my teeth. Before this I didn’t know anything about brushing teeth or that I needed to do it. The learning began with my mother brushing my teeth for me as I watched in the mirror.

Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence

I knew what I didn’t know but still didn’t know how to do it.

After a few weeks of mom brushing my teeth I now knew what I needed to know about the process but was still terrible at it, needing help every time but doing some of it myself.

Stage 3: Conscious Competence

I was better at this new skill but still had to think about what I was doing.

A few more weeks passed and I was able to brush my own teeth with no help. It was a task that still required a lot of concentration but I no longer needed my mom to help me.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence

The skill was so ingrained that I wasn’t aware I was using it when I was using it.

Now that I am a grown up I can brush my teeth while having a conversation, or putting dishes away or thinking about my day. I no longer have to concentrate on the process. I am a unconsciously competent at brushing my teeth. Yipee!

YAY INSIGHT!

Learning about these stages was a game changer for me. Somewhere in my development I had decided that I was terrible at every new thing I tried so why bother trying anything new.

For some reason I thought I should be good at everything the first time I tried it. Weird.

Turns out I am supposed to be terrible at new things upon first learning them. The trick is to stick with it until eventually unconscious competence is reached.

Emotional Competence

I began to apply these stages to my emotional life about two years ago. For me it was all about learning how to manage my thoughts about things that occurred throughout my day with a modicum of competence. Becoming aware of my thoughts and starting to question if they were valid was an interesting exercise to undertake as it was, and still is, truly baffling to discover what my mind is thinking and I accept as true.

As I have said in a previous post your mind is pretty much running the show, thinking thoughts you may not even be aware of but you act on regardless.

After working on this conscious competence thing for a while I recently had an experience that showed me my work was paying off.

Mountain Bike Love

I love to ride my Mountain Bike. It puts a big smile on my face and leaves me feeling happy and accomplished.

When I first got my bike six years ago there was a definite learning curve as I began to take it out on the local trails.

The first year I had it I fell at least once on every single ride.

The second year I fell once on every other ride.

The third year I fell once or twice the whole season.

By the fourth year I felt confident that I could handle almost any intermediate to expert trail out there.

Not only was I falling less frequently, I noticed my attitude towards the falls was also changing.

In those first three years when I would fall it would define the entire ride. Usually it was 10 seconds out of at least 90 minutes but that was I what I would remember from that ride. Not the beauty that surrounded me, not the 89 minutes that I wasn’t falling but that 10 seconds of the fall.

Then one day in the fourth year I was on a ride and I fell for no good reason. I was on a flat part cruising along and the next thing I know I’m on the ground and in pain because, of course, my elbow landed on the one rock in the vicinity.

I cried, I cursed, I may have actually yelled something like, “This ride sucks!” in my frustration and then something miraculous happened.

A little voice inside my head said, “This ride does not suck. The colors of the turning trees are beautiful, the temperature is perfect and I feel strong. This was just 10 seconds of suck in a hour of beauty.” That snapped me right out of my pity party and got me back on my bike.

I had to keep reminding myself of this as I continued the ride. My mind kept creeping to the thought that the ride sucked because I fell but then I would redirect it to all the reasons why it didn’t suck. By the time I got to my car I was feeling accomplished and happy, even though my elbow hurt.

That was a few years ago and I feel like I’ve been working in that stage of conscious competence since then. Occasionally falling and then having to remind myself the fall did not define the ride.

Last week I was once again out riding my bike and I fell hard…right on a rock.

The trail I was on has 4 challenging switchbacks at the beginning and I had made the first 3 but fell on the 4th and hardest one. It really hurt but I bounced right up, picked up my bike, put the chain back on and continued on my way.

Here is the beautiful thing, here is where all my hard work paid off.

My thoughts as I continued up the trail were all about how I had made 3 out of the 4 switchbacks and how awesome that was. I never even went to that place of the ride sucking because I fell. I didn’t have to keep redirecting my mind because it wasn’t going anywhere negative.

By the time I got back to my car, an hour later, I had forgotten all about falling. It wasn’t until I got into my car and felt a pain in the back of my leg as I sat that I remembered I had taken a fall at all.

This would never have happened if I hadn’t decided to start managing my thoughts and then quit after two or three tries because it wasn’t working. I would still be out there thinking every ride that I fell on was the worst ride ever and missing out on so much enjoyment. I may have even stopped riding my bike completely and that would be a sad, sad thing. (I do truly love my bike and where it takes me!)

My point is there is an elegant simplicity in learning how to manage your mind. Becoming aware of your thoughts is eye-opening and presents an exciting challenge to see if you can train your mind to think different thoughts that actually serve you instead of holding you back.

This is what my coaching focuses on. If you would like to hear more, I would love to talk your ear off about it! Click the button below and schedule a 30 minute consultation with me. I look forward to it.

Free 30 Minute Coaching Session! Click here!

 

 

 

Photo credit: PatLoika via Visualhunt.com / CC BY

Guess what?

Becoming more forgetful as you get older does not have to be inevitable.

Having a foggy brain is not necessarily a part of aging.

Your brain, just like any other organ in your body, needs to be fed properly in order to function properly.

Fortunately, the foods your brain loves to get its energy from are not only easy to find, they are also delicious.

3 Things you can do to improve your brain function:

Photo credit: PatLoika via Visualhunt.com / CC BY

Eat your fruits and veggies.

Vegetables and fruits, especially dark red, purple and blue ones, are full of polyphenols.

Polyphenols are antioxidants,

Antioxidants protect your brain cells from the damaging effects of oxidation. They also act as bodyguards to your mitochondria, the power generators of the cells, allowing them to function at optimum capacity

Dark chocolate also contains polyphenols. Very good news!

Increase your consumption of healthy fats.

In his newest book, Head Strong, Dave Asprey explains the benefit of eating healthy fats like this:

“A diet high in healthy fats helps to lower inflammation throughout your body and speed up energy production in your brain. The more healthy fats you eat, the more efficient your brain becomes at converting them to energy.”

Healthy fats and good sources of them are:

  • Saturated Fats

Grass-fed meats

Pastured egg yolks

  • Monounsaturated Fats

Olive oil

  • Omega 3 Fatty Acids

Wild caught sardines, anchovies, salmon, mackerel and trout

Fish/krill oil

 

Decrease your carbohydrate intake

When you restrict your carbohydrate intake your liver breaks down fatty acids instead of glucose and produces ketones.

Your brain’s favorite form of fuel is ketones. It can derive 75% of its fuel from ketones. This is a more efficient process than deriving its fuel from glucose.

Less carbs, more ketones, clearer brain.

Less Brain Fog, More Mind Management

Once your brain is properly fed and watered your mind becomes an easier beast to manage.

A well fed brain and nicely managed mind can change your life!

For more information on how I can help you feed your brain optimally and manage your mind click this button and schedule a free coaching session.

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MANAGING YOUR STRESS?

WHAT?

 

There is a good chance I have tricked you into reading this. I don’t have 5 tips for how to manage your stress because I don’t believe in managing your stress. Instead of managing your stress I believe in choosing not to be stressed in the first place.

I know what you are thinking.

You are thinking that I’m crazy because stress is not a choice it is a direct result of the circumstances of your life.

I disagree.

MIND CONTROL

Your mind has you completely fooled into believing that you have no control over how you feel. It has been running the show without any oversight for so long that you don’t question what it is thinking and if those thoughts are actually true.

Even now I can see some of you shaking your head and saying, “No, my mind would never lie to me.”

Oh but it does.

All the time.

The good news is you have the power to control your mind, just like a Jedi Knight.

It takes a lot of observation and practice but it is possible.

MAKE LIKE A JEDI

Photo credit: PatLoika via Visualhunt.com / CC BY

Since I believe you should choose to not be stressed rather than just managing stress here are some tips for managing your mind when it comes to stress (Jedi mind trick comes later):

  1. Understand that in each and every situation you have a choice as to how you think. You can choose a negative thought or a positive thought, it’s all on you. If you choose a negative thought chances are that thought is going to lead to feelings of stress.
  2. Start to become aware of the thoughts you are having when you are feeling stressed out. Just become aware without trying to change anything.
  3. Accept the thoughts you are having that are leading you to feel stressed with no self-judgment or recriminations. Then just observe for a day or two the thoughts you are choosing to believe on a daily basis, again without trying to change them.
  4. Once you are aware of what you are thinking and have accepted those thoughts it’s time to start changing them. Now is when you can really embrace the idea that stress is completely optional because only you can create it by choosing the thoughts you are choosing.
  5. Get on with your badass, stress-free life.

If this makes any sense, or no sense, to you that’s fine. For further explanation and some thoughts on how you can get your mind under control click the button below and schedule for a free 30 minute consultation with me!

 

Free 30 Minute Coaching Session! Click here!

I LOVE MASSAGE

I have been a massage therapist for over 20 years. I love being a massage therapist and I am very good at it. My body, however, has been telling me for a few years that it wants to do less massage.

In cutting back on massage, I needed to find some way of supplementing my income. I tried some multilevel marketing avenues, but I am not a salesperson. I thought about getting a “job” but after running my own business that seemed to me like a step backward.

Serious pondering over my next move ensued.

After 20 years of being a massage therapist, I have become a master at my craft. I can massage the heck out of a body. But somewhere along the way I unexpectedly became very good at something else.

I became good at holding space for my clients.

HOLDING SPACE

Holding space basically means being with another human without judgment, without trying to fix them or direct the outcome of their journey.

It is unconditional support for whatever they are experiencing.

LISTENING

The other thing I noticed is that my massage clients were telling me about issues, other than physical ones, they were experiencing and we would talk about them.

I feel that these clients just want someone to listen to them, to hold space for them and that is what I was doing…listening and holding space.

A seed was beginning to form in my crazy brain.

BULLETPROOF COACHING

Then fate stepped in. I received an email from Dave Aspry of the Bulletproof Exec informing me that he was starting a coaching certification course in four months and was I interested? Heck yeah, I was interested.

The Bulletproof diet and Bulletproof coffee had been instrumental in me regaining my lost energy and vitality two years earlier so I signed up.

A year later I am certified and ready to begin this new episode in my life.

My coaching focuses on how to literally feed your brain and manage your mind, two things I am doing more of in my life with amazing results. To find out more about me and what I do schedule a free 30-minute coaching consultation by clicking the magic button.

Free 30 Minute Coaching Session! Click here!

What’s going on with you?

Are you in the middle of some crisis involving ennui, restlessness, personal disaster after personal disaster?

Are you experiencing a desire to shake up everything in your life and start anew?

Are you becoming uncomfortably aware of how much chaos goes on in your mind?

Does it feel like there has to be a better way but you can’t quite see what that would be?

Congratulations!

These are all good signs that you are ready to take things to the next level and do some evolving (not just for monkeys and single cell bacteria anymore).

The question is HOW are you going to do this without losing your mind and everything else in the process?

A life coach is a good option for helping you navigate change and in case you are wondering why here are 4 excellent reasons:

  • AN UNSUPERVISED MIND SHOULD NOT BE EXPLORED ALONE

An unsupervised mind is a place that you should only venture into with a travel buddy. Not alone, not if we want to come out in one piece. Most of what your mind does is subconscious. These subconscious machinations are responsible for some of your most fucked up behaviors and actions. When you are trying to become aware of what your mind is doing you need someone on the outside as a spotter.As your coach, I will point out those unconscious thoughts as they scoot past so you can get a grip on them and start to tame them. I am an excellent spotter.

  • ACCOUNTABILITY

Being accountable to someone other than yourself for meeting goals or making changes increases your chances of success. I am really easy on myself whenever I am trying to do something new, “Oh, you don’t want to take that next step towards reaching your goal? That’s cool, eat some chocolate and binge watch Netflix instead.” But if someone else is paying attention to what I’m doing and I’m paying them to pay attention I am more likely to actually do the things I agreed to do. I am a fierce accountability partner who will hold you to your goals.

  • BEING HEARD

In my 21 years of being a massage therapist, the biggest thing I have learned is that people want to be heard. (The second thing is that everyone has a knot on their right shoulder blade… everyone.) Our culture is terrible at actually listening to what others have to say, instead, we are thinking about what we are going to say next. Very few of us feel like we are being heard. When someone actually listens to you without judgment all kinds of revelations occur. Plus you learn to start listening to yourself. I am trained to actually listen to what you are saying, to hear you and to help you hear yourself.

  • CREATING ANYTHING NEW IS MORE FUN WITH TWO

When you are ready to create a new life for yourself it is way more fun to brainstorm and come up with new ideas with someone else. Doing it all by your lonesome is kind of sad. When you come up with the best idea ever who do you tell? Someone who is a sounding board, a steerer and a cheerleader that’s who. I  love to be sounding boards, I have an excellent sense of direction and I know all the best cheers by heart. (I usually have chocolate too, just sayin’.)

What are you waiting for?

Coaches aren’t just for sports teams anymore. Why do this new chapter in your life alone when you can have help along the way from someone who will listen without judgment, help you reach your goals and keep you on a path, whatever that path may be?

Click the magic button and schedule a free 30-minute coaching consultation to see if Flow Coaching is right for you.

Free 30 Minute Coaching Session! Click here!

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